im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
