it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize