Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
