Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
