I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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