Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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