Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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