i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
