**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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