So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
