On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
