My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
