I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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