i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
