For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
