Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
