Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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