I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
