its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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