I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
