Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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