Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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