Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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