I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
