Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
