"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
