The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
