Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
