My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
