now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
