There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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