i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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