Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
