I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
