Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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