i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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