I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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