u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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