My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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