how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
