You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
