I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
