we're chasing vodka with high fives
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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