First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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