I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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