You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
