I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
