I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
