There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
