I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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