So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
