Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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