When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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