the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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