P.S. I can't hear my feet
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
