Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
