After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
