i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
